Are you compromising wrong?

Your Way or My Way- Compromise

If you’ve ever been in any kind of relationship (so, everyone), then you’re familiar with compromising. In fact, you’ve likely been doing it since before you were capable of making long-term memories. Because compromise is such a normal part of existing in a group, we can sometimes do it without knowing why or how we’re doing it. Take language for example, a native English speaker can speak and write with relatively good grammar, but they may not be able to pass a grammar test; this isn’t because they don’t know how to do it but rather because they can’t articulate exactly why they do it this way. The same goes for a compromise. It seems simple: I want A, and you want B. So, we get both A and B or we get A this time and B next time. 

Unfortunately, it isn’t always this simple, especially in romantic relationships. Generally, a compromise means that all parties involved in a conflict or decision make a concession in order to come to a choice that best serves everyone. It is an important part of any healthy relationship because it allows partners to meet their needs together, build trust, and honor and respect the other person or people. However, not every relationship always gets compromise right. This can turn an opportunity for connection into a conflict. 

For this article, we’re going to take a look at a single couple.* One partner wants to go to the zoo, and the other doesn’t for various reasons. We’ll take this couple through a few situations wherein they both can and cannot compromise.  

*While we’re looking at a couple in this blog, everything can be, and should be, applied to polyamorous relationships as well. 

WHAT IS A COMPROMISE? 

A compromise seems simple: it’s what happens when two or more parties each want something different, and each side makes a concession. Essentially, a compromise is truly as simple as it seems, as long as the issue at hand is an issue that can actually be compromised. Therein lies the main issue: not everything can be compromised and not knowing what to do when you’re stuck is not only unhelpful but can be harmful. 

WHAT PEOPLE GET WRONG ABOUT COMPROMISING

There are three main things people get wrong about compromise. 

1. They think everything can be compromised 

2. They get lost in the details and don’t see it from their partner’s perspective

3. They think compromise is about fairness

Yes, a compromise is about making sure that all parties are involved in a decision, but there are delicate components that are often overlooked. Next time you find yourself in a situation where you need to compromise, use this list to make sure you’ve checked all the boxes and strengthened your relationship in the process. Sometimes dinner and a movie isn’t just dinner and a movie.  

NOT EVERYTHING CAN BE A COMPROMISE 

An issue cannot be compromised when it involves deeper meaning, morals, hopes, and dreams. When something is of little consequence to us, we might assume that it’s of little consequence to our partner(s) as well. However, it’s not always that simple, and communication is key to figuring out whether the issue at hand can actually be compromised. So, let’s look at our couple: 

When the issue can be compromised: 

• Both partners just want a date afternoon and aren’t particularly opposed to either location for moral or ethical reasons. The location of the date is inconsequential as long as they’re together.

When the issue can’t be compromised: 

• One partner is morally or ethically opposed to the zoo 

• One partner has a deep emotional attachment to their chosen location 

If an issue, like where to go on your date, is of little consequence to you but your partner is really excited to go on a date at the zoo because they’re passionate about the animals, then maybe you just go to the zoo. However, if you’re morally opposed to zoos and refuse to patronize them, then you’ve found yourself at an impasse because this issue is no longer something that can be compromised. 

So, what do you do? Clearly, the zoo is out of the question, but your partner still wants to enjoy the immersive learning experience and day out that the zoo provides. Perhaps you can find an animal rescue to visit, you can volunteer and the animal shelter together, or spend the day at a science museum or botanical garden. This way, both people feel important and both people’s dreams and morals are being honored. 

If the compromise is something that leaves either person feeling like they aren’t being true to themselves or that they are going against what is right, good, ethical, or moral, then compromising won’t work. In fact, it’s likely to contribute to some bad feelings, distance, or possibly even resentment. Always make sure to determine why the other person wants what they want. What is inconsequential to you may not be to them. 

THEY GET LOST IN THE DETAILS AND DON’T SEE IT FROM THEIR PARTNER’S PERSPECTIVE

Oftentimes, people get stuck on trying to get what they want and end up getting lost in the details instead of working with their partner on the parts that actually matter. Compromise only works when the issue is purely circumstantial, like deciding whether to go to the zoo or the science museum. An issue that is not purely circumstantial would be when one partner wants to go to the zoo for their date night and one partner doesn’t think the zoo is “a good use of money right now.” 

In this zoo-going example, one partner could get so lost trying to convince their partner to go to the zoo that they fail to see the other person’s real concern. And the other partner could be so lost in the details about finances that they fail to see what the other person is really asking for. The partner who wants to go to the zoo really wants to spend quality time together somewhere they enjoy, and the other partner is really just concerned about having enough money to pay the bills. 

Getting lost in the details about what you really want makes it difficult to get down to the deeper meaning. In this instance, if the couple discusses their real concerns, they will likely be able to come up with a more cost-effective experience that is still somewhere they enjoy. However, if they get too lost in the details, they’ll likely end up with conflict instead of compromise.  

If there is a deeper meaning, you need to tend to that. If one partner is asked to sacrifice something deeply meaningful without feeling cared for regarding that issue, resentment can grow. Use this opportunity to make sure that your partner(s) feels like you’re hearing what they’re saying and understanding their concerns.  

COMPROMISE ISN’T ABOUT BEING FAIR

If you’re too busy “keeping score” to make sure that everything is fair, you might want to ask yourself and your partner(s) why. A relationship that is too focused on fairness is the perfect breeding ground for resentment. If scorekeeping is a consistent factor in your relationship, reach out to a relationship counselor. Deciding to go with A because you started with B last time works when something is entirely inconsequential, but it doesn’t work when you’re simply trying to make sure everything is fair.  

This is not to say that you shouldn’t consider fairness when compromising. If the sides seem to consistently lean in favor of one partner over the other(s), then you may be facing a bigger issue. Be honest with yourself and your partner(s) about what the trends in your relationship seem to be and seek counseling if needed. 

SOMETIMES YOU’LL FEEL STUCK AND WON’T HAVE AN ANSWER

If you do feel stuck, the first thing you should do is stop and ask why. Run through the list with your partner(s). You have to determine whether or not the issue can be compromised, and sometimes it’s not clear right away. It’s easy to make assumptions about what our partner(s) is thinking, but we’re oftentimes wrong. That said, there are two things to do first: 

1. Consider whether it’s about a deeper issue

2. Consider whether it’s measurably more important to one person

Once you’ve determined that it is an issue that can be compromised, decide if it’s more important to one partner. If your partner really wants to go to the zoo because it’s a meaningful experience for them, maybe you just go to the zoo.  

If it can’t be compromised, you and your partner will need to step back and maybe drop the issue altogether. For our couple, this might look like the zoo-going person going alone or with a friend and the two of them start planning the date from scratch.

Sometimes, compromise is just about doing what your partner wants because it’s more important to them than it is to you.  

THE BOTTOM LINE ABOUT COMPROMISES

Compromise really is an opportunity for all partners in a relationship to show each other that they matter. Everyone wants to feel like they matter and are special, especially in their romantic relationship. Talk with your partner(s) about the issue at hand and figure out whether it really is an issue of consequence. Whether or not it is, take advantage of the opportunity to allow you and your partner(s) to feel heard and cared for. Compromises can be beautiful moments of making sure that both partners feel held in the relationship. 

If you and your partner are struggling with conflict and compromising, you’re not alone. We help couples learn to compromise all the time and we can help you, too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or reach out and get in touch to ask how we can help.

Couples Communication: It's not what you said, it's how you said it!

Relationships afford us opportunities for fun, play, creativity, safety, and growth. The scariest thing about growing in a relationship is being told what we are getting wrong by a person we love and trust. It is especially hard when the way they tell us their feelings comes across as harsh and hurtful. After all, that is where the old saying, “It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it” comes from.

It is rare in a healthy relationship that your partner is attempting to wound you with what they say or how they say it. Despite that fact, sadness, hurt, or anger are the common responses that follow their feedback. So, what do we do when our partner tries to share their feedback with us and it causes pain?

PERSPECTIVES MATTER

It starts by recognizing that people see the world in uniquely different ways, which can make it challenging to communicate difficult things clearly. Moving toward healthier communication requires a willingness to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to understand their perspective.

In the past few years, a new pattern of communication has emerged, called ‘Intent vs. Impact’, which encourages people to explore why a person said what they said and how it landed with the person who heard it.

DEFINING INTENT AND IMPACT

Most often, when a person initiates feedback in a relationship, they are trying to address thoughts and feelings and create positive consequences for all members of the relationship. This is defined as one’s intent. In all healthy relationships, it is important to be willing to look at the “why” behind the feedback, to make sure the feedback is thoughtful and useful.

Hearing feedback from one’s partner can provoke any number of thoughts and feelings associated, though sometimes only loosely, with what was said. This is defined as the impact. As the recipient of feedback, it is important to be able to articulate how it landed and what thoughts and feelings it provoked, as you are the only one who has access to that information. As the partner giving feedback, hearing and being accepting of the impact is vital to moving the conversation forward into a productive space.

WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT?

While it may seem typical of a therapist to say, one is not more important to healthy communication. Both are valid and have their place in every conversation. However, what is most important is the timing of when to acknowledge each component.

It is somewhat common for a partner to want to justify their intentions, especially when they are caught off guard by the impact it had on their partner. Unfortunately, this can come across as insisting that the hurt feelings do not matter, because the intentions were pure. This is why thoroughly addressing the impact of feedback tends to be of a higher priority.

For example, let’s say Sam (he/him) and Alex (they/them) are getting ready for date night. Sam makes a lighthearted comment like, “I like the blue shirt better”. Alex ends up feeling insulted, but they may already know that Sam had no intention of insulting them. Since that knowledge doesn’t erase the impact, Alex chooses to let Sam know they felt hurt by the comment.

Most therapists would recommend that Alex carefully explain the impact it had on them. Sam would need to listen to the impact of his words with an open mind, and then empathize and validate how Alex experienced what he said. Having done this, Sam can then ask for permission to explain the intention behind his comment. When Alex is ready, they can listen to what Sam was hoping to accomplish when he gave the feedback. If necessary, the partners can then discuss how to offer similar feedback in the future in a way that will land better.

THIS IS A PROBLEM IN MY RELATIONSHIP: WHAT DO I DO?

For some partners, the knowledge that this new form of communication is out there will come as a breath of fresh air or an exciting new challenge. For others, it can feel incredibly daunting. If you notice misunderstandings popping up often in your relationship, or if you find yourself fearful of offering your partner(s) feedback, getting connected with a qualified therapist can be a helpful step in adjusting communication patterns.

OUR COUNSELORS HELP COUNTLESS RELATIONSHIPS DEVELOP HEALTHIER, HEALING COMMUNICATION AND WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. VISIT OUR COUPLES COUNSELING PAGE OR SCHEDULE A FREE CONSULTATION WITH ONE OF OUR THERAPISTS TO TALK WITH US ABOUT YOUR NEEDS AND HOW WE CAN HELP.

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Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

"Sorry" Isn't Enough - What Couples Get Wrong About Apologies

Apologizing- Sorry

Life will provide you with lots of opportunities to get things wrong. Being in a relationship with all of its unique emotions and expectations certainly ups the ante exponentially. It’s inevitable that you will make mistakes or behave in a way that another person finds inappropriate. 

Making a mistake doesn’t make you a bad person. However, if you want a healthy, enduring relationship, it does mean that you’ll need to learn and implement good solid ways of repairing your relationship. How to apologize is a core part of making things better in any type of relationship. And simply saying “sorry” doesn’t cut it.

WHAT IS AN APOLOGY

Done sincerely, an apology is an expression of regret and a request for forgiveness in response to a specific wrong that you committed. The goal of the apology is to repair the harm that was done to the relationship and restore your partner’s confidence and trust in you. 

HOW TO APOLOGIZE

A good apology contains a few key components. When any of these are missing or violated, the apology will almost inevitably end up falling flat or even doing more damage.

• The Preface - Ask Permission

  An often neglected step in this process involves consent. Your partner may not be ready to hear an apology. Don’t take it for granted that they want to hear an apology at any given moment. They may still need time to be ready to receive your apology. Let them know you wish to apologize and then follow their lead. 

• Step 1 - Take Responsibility

  Apologies are for when we do something wrong. So for a good apology to happen, you need to be able to own what you specifically did. You also need to be able to own that, upon reflection, you can see where what you did was wrong even if it made sense to do at the time. This can be uncomfortable but it is crucial. 

  The step of taking responsibility is what helps your partner to be reassured that you see where we messed up rather than simply seeing that they don’t like something that you did at that moment. 

• Step 2 - Acknowledge the Damage

  Your partner needs to know that you also see how what you did wrong impacted them. You need to acknowledge where they felt embarrassed, unimportant, rejected, insufficient, or whatever other negative emotion they may have felt in response to your action. 

• Step 3 - Express Regret

  This is more than just saying “I regret doing that.” Let them know what feelings come up for you when you look at what you did and how you hurt them. You might feel awful, terrible, sick, or horrible about what you did. You might feel guilt or embarrassment over your actions. Be sure to tell them that you are sorry for what you did and how you left them feeling.

• Step 4 - Reassure Your Partner

  This step often gets missed. The most helpful apologies include what you are going to do differently the next time a similar situation comes up. An apology is pretty meaningless if it seems to your partner that you will likely just end up doing the harmful behavior again. To be clear about what factors lead to your bad decision (don’t make excuses, just acknowledge them) and explain how you will handle those factors differently the next time they come up.

• Step 5 - Ask for Forgiveness

  This step requires some pretty big vulnerability. At the same time, it is what pulls all of this together and truly helps to mend the relationship. Starting with a simple, “will you forgive me” often works. Sometimes, your partner may not be ready to forgive. Don’t take it personally. Let them know that you understand they aren’t ready, tell them that you hope that they will be able to, and ask them if there is anything else they need from you so that they would feel better about forgiving you.

HOW NOT TO APOLOGIZE

Now that we have a good picture of how a good apology goes, let’s take a look at some of the common attempts to apologize that simply aren’t an apology

• The Vague Apology

  This sounds the same just about every time: “I’m sorry” and pretty much nothing else. It may be completely sincere but it leaves your partner uncertain of whether you even have any idea of what you did, how it hurt them, and what needs to be different. 

• The “Celebrity” Apology

  You know how this goes. “I’m sorry if my action offended anyone.” This is not an apology. You aren’t saying you regret your action. You’re simply saying that you don’t like the consequence of what you did. 

• The Blaming Apology

  “I’m sorry that you feel that way” is also not an apology. The problem being identified is the other person’s feelings. It’s a negative assessment of the other person’s boundaries and emotions. There’s no ownership of the speaker’s actions and no acknowledgment of the action’s impact, it isn’t an apology. 

• The Appeasing Apology

  “All right, all right, I’m sorry. Are you happy now?” This isn’t about apologizing, this is about dismissing the actual issue and attempting to just move on. If you don’t think you need to apologize, state that opinion and begin a separate discussion.

• The Self-Serving Apology

  These apologies are given with the intention (whether the person apologizing realizes it or not) of turning the table and making the apologizer the focus. “I’m sorry you married such a jerk” or “I’m sorry I’m such a horrible person” aren’t apologies at all. They are fishing expeditions with the goal of getting the person who was hurt to let go of what they were hurt with and reassure or comfort the “apologizer” at that moment. 

PULLING IT ALL TOGETHER

Let’s say that you and your partner were out with some friends and you said something embarrassing about your partner in front of them. Your apology might sound something like this.

(Preface) Hey, I really feel bad about what happened and I want to apologize for it. Are you willing to hear me out?

(Step 1) When I told that story about you, I was wrong. I shouldn’t have shared that. I broke your trust by sharing something that you wouldn’t want someone else to know and I told that to people that we see frequently. 

(Step 2) Hearing me tell that story left you feeling embarrassed in front of our friends. You were mortified and it ruined the evening for you. On top of that, you felt unsafe and betrayed by me in what I had done. I broke our trust and that really hurt you.

(Step 3) I feel absolutely terrible about what I did. I put making our friends laugh above our relationship and I can’t believe I did that. I feel horrible about my choice and about how I hurt you. I am so sincerely sorry for telling that story and embarrassing you.

(Step 4) I need to be putting you and our relationship first in every situation, especially when people we know and spend time with are around. They need to see that I have your back and am on your team above anything else. I need to ask myself how you will feel whenever I go to tell a story or talk about you. That’s how I’m going to do my best to make sure nothing like this ever happens again.

(Step 5) I know you’re really hurt right now so I appreciate you hearing me out. I realize it may take some time, but will you forgive me?

WHEN THE APOLOGIES FEEL IMPOSSIBLE

Finally, as mentioned above, a relationship can bring with it many emotions and plenty of baggage. In times of hurt, it can be difficult to communicate in a productive manner. This is when you could use meaningful support. A counselor can end up being the unbiased mediator, the skills coach, or the partner to partner translator that you both need to re-connect in a healthy way.

Helping couples with apologies and other communication dynamics is something that our counselors do on a daily basis. We can help you, too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or scheduled a free consultation to learn more about how we can help. 

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Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

Truth Beyond Couples Communication

Why "The Truth" Isn't All That Helpful

"That's not what happened!" 

"I never said that!" 

"That's not true! The truth is..." 

Every couple recognizes statements like this. They get thrown out all the time. Whether they're talking about a conversation from decades in the past or something that happened 10 minutes ago, it’s easy for couples to get stuck in correcting one another and arguing about what the actual truth of a situation is. 

This type of argument is pretty common. I'd be hard-pressed to think of a single couple that didn't run into this exact conflict in our sessions repeatedly. All couples run into it at times! 

IT’S NOT (JUST) ABOUT WINNING

What makes it so common? Some therapists will say that it is about winning. They aren't wrong. When someone is in that situation, they want to win the conversation and establish "the real truth." But the idea of winning misses the more crucial factors underneath: that we want to have our experience heard and for it to matter.

Some readers may already be engaging in the same fight right here. "It isn't just my experience; it's what actually happened! It's the truth!" And that makes sense. The problem is that when it comes to multiple people experiencing the same event (like a conversation), there isn't just one reality at play. As many people that were present, there are that many realities of what happened. 

IT’S ABOUT REALITY

Reality is comprised of what we perceive and experience. If we didn't experience it, then it isn't part of our reality. The "truth" of whether it happened or not isn't all that helpful or significant. 

Let's use an example. Imagine that you went to see a movie but found yourself not feeling well. You dozed a bit during the film for just 20-30 seconds at a time and didn't even realize that you did so. When you talk with a friend who has also seen the movie, you will remember the film differently than them. Now, let's say they also dozed off here or there. Both of you will remember dialogue or parts of the story differently than the other. 

It would be easy to get into an argument about what "really happened" in that movie. Both of you would go back and forth about who was right. One of you might even try to pull up on the internet quotes from the movie to prove you were right. But even if the "truth" turned out to be that they were right about that bit of dialogue, does that information change what you experienced? Does it change your reality? Of course not. 

When couples fight like this, they will remember the event or conversation, even one from just minutes ago, differently. They will each have their own reality, and that experience of the events is just as valid as their partner's. So what that person is fighting for is not just to win but to have their reality acknowledged and heard. 

So what keeps one person from accepting that their partner's reality is different? Another mistaken idea that often sounds like the following.

"If I acknowledge your reality, that means that my reality is wrong." 

As common as this thinking is, it couldn't be more wrong. This mistaken belief becomes much clearer when we substitute the word experience for reality.

"If I acknowledge your experience, that means that my experience is wrong." 

We each have our own experiences, our own reality. Both people's reality can be precisely accurate for them. Our realities matter to us because they are what we experienced. 

THE PROBLEM WITH TRUTH

So, where does truth come back into this issue? Truth often gets used as a weapon to try to discredit the other person's reality. If their reality isn't the objective "truth," then it doesn't matter. First, this is patently false. Just because one roller coaster is mechanically faster than the other doesn't mean that the second one doesn't seem faster. Further, when we are talking about our experience, our reality, the truth of which one is faster isn't all that helpful. 

Often, couples try to use their reality as the "truth" to discredit the other person's reality. If they can disprove it, then it can be dismissed, and the "actual truth" (which is just the other person's reality) can now be established. 

Winning ends up being more about whose reality, whose experience gets to matter in the conversation, which person gets to be heard and acknowledged, and whose emotions and feelings get to matter. 

As long as couples stay stuck in arguing about the truth and which reality is real, they both lose. 

REALLY WINNING

Instead, couples can change the conversation. They can show one another that what matters most isn't "truth" but one another. 

In the end, what couples want to know is that their reality (including all of their experiences, emotions, thoughts, etc.) matters just as much as their partner's reality matters. And when couples can do that, they change far more than just conversation. They change their relationship.

WE’VE HELPED COUNTLESS COUPLES LEARN HOW TO NAVIGATE AROUND COMMUNICATION TRAPS LIKE THIS ONE AND OTHERES. WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR REACH OUT AND GET IN TOUCH TO ASK HOW WE CAN HELP. 

Pivotal Cousneling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

3 Ways to Support Your Neurodiverse Partner

Having a partner who is neurodiverse can be challenging at times, sometimes very much so. Here are three tips on how you can better support your partner.

TIP 1: JOIN THE CONVERSATION

The term “neurodiverse” is a relatively new addition to the cultural conversation. It was initially used to suggest that there may be many different, legitimate ways of thinking about and interacting with the world. Starting around 2016, it began to become one of the preferred terms for those with diagnosed or suspected Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and other individuals who similarly experience the world differently from the norm.

Since then, the term has found wide use in culture and media. From TikTok videos describing “hacks” to help neurodiverse people keep track of the things they want to accomplish to books explaining new ways that some neurodiverse people can harness their keen sense of observation to thrive in corporate settings, the odds of coming across this term are high.

So why a new term?

First, psychology has tended to define things primarily by describing the negative impact they have. Even the term mental illness carries with it a sense that something is wrong and ought to be fixed. However, many mental ‘illnesses’ that people are diagnosed with may actually serve an adaptive, beneficial purpose. In fact, many people who carry some kind of mental health diagnosis report that they can identify personal strengths and aspects of their character that they value which are directly related to their diagnosis. Only having the ‘mental illness’ label didn’t fit for these people. So the idea of ‘difference’ instead of ‘deficiency’ seemed like a more accurate and useful description.

Second, many diagnoses that are used in the mental health field, although they may seem pretty cut and dry, often live on a spectrum. For instance, Autism Spectrum Disorder and many Depressive disorders are often explained as having various degrees, different kinds of presentations, and lots of variations. Two people with the same disorder, in fact, may not share many similarities at all. Because of this wide range, a term was needed to encompass all kinds of variation, degrees, spectrums, and presentations to somehow communicate that a person’s experience may not match the experience that is expected or considered ‘normal’.

Some people with a mental health diagnosis or who think or interact with the world in unique ways, resonate with the term and feel comfortable applying it to themselves and their experiences. Others do not. Some folks prefer a different term altogether such as neurodivergent or associate more with the diagnosis itself. One surefire way to support your neurodiverse partner is to start paying attention to the way that they think and feel about their diagnosis or to the way their brain works. It may be helpful to ask them directly about the ways that it shows up for them and maybe even to show you the next time that they notice it impacting them.

TIP 2: LEAD WITH EMPATHETIC CURIOSITY

Talking about the way your partner is different may feel an awful lot like criticism. It is vitally important to remember that differences, both large and small, are usually sources of stress and even conflict for many people. Chances are, your partner has been teased, bullied, shamed, or even punished for the way their brain works and how they interact with the world. This is why your partner may show signs of reluctance or hesitancy about sharing their experiences. Because of that, it can be helpful to let them direct the conversation and respect their ability to protect themselves. We have all had experiences where our felt sense of being different has wounded us; use your experiences to guide how you interact in these moments. Be gentle and listen.

When stepping into this territory the goal is to maintain a sense of empathetic curiosity. You want your general stance, as the partner of someone with some kind of neurodiversity, to be full of your genuine care for them as a full, complete person (the empathetic part). The moral of the story is that your partner is so interesting, so inherently worthy of love and belonging, that you want to enter more into their world (the curiosity part). The journey is one of discovery and deeper understanding so that you each are better able to understand the other’s world.

One of the strengths of a perspective that is grounded in neurodiversity is a conviction that there is not one right way. Instead, having people that see things differently is a strength. It is about showing interest and gratitude for the fact that while you are busy inspecting the color of something your partner is able to assess its texture, weight, or how well it will work in a certain situation. It is also likely that some of these differences are things you absolutely love about your partner. Tell them so.

The understanding should be mutual (because your little world is fascinating too!). Your interest should stem from a place of authentic curiosity and have connection as the goal.

TIP 3: DEVELOP CLEAR COMMUNICATION BY REDUCING NOISE

While reveling in the awesomeness of your partner is a good thing, there may be times where some rules of engagement can help make things flow more easily. Bring a sense of empathetic curiosity to these conversations as well.

During a time of low stress, it may be beneficial to discuss a game plan for how to ensure accurate communication takes place and everyone leaves the interaction feeling heard, cared for, and hopeful for some kind of resolution or improvement.

In the field of communication theory, the concept of noise is often discussed. This term refers to any interfering source of stimulus or input that disrupts the message that is being sent. Anything from actual noise (think lawn mower outside), psychological noise (anxiety, worry, depression, trauma), to semantic noise (using words that the other person doesn’t understand, tones of voice that are distracting or confusing), or executive functioning noise (thinking about what you are going to say next) can impact if and how well we are understood.

Perhaps someone finds direct, verbal communication to be overstimulating (too emotionally noisy) when emotionally charged topics are brought up. If this is the case, maybe shift the conversation to texting (even in the same room) to increase the likelihood that the context of the messages being sent are able to be heard. Maybe certain times of the day or certain places are more conducive to clear thinking or emotional expression. Talking right after lunch may help to reduce the biological noise associated with being hungry. Talking right after your partner comes home from work may mean that parts of your message don’t make it through due to the emotional noise they are carrying with them from the workplace.

Make a point to set yourself and your partner up for success when something important needs to be talked about.

This may also mean that you develop specific ways of talking about how your partner is being impacted by their neurodiversity. For example, you may develop ways of asking for a break in the middle of conversations, not because something is wrong, but because your partner needs to reset their ability to attend to what you are talking about. Maybe certain words or certain body postures make your partner feel unsafe or remind them of past painful experiences and so are best to be avoided whenever possible. You may also find that you could be supported in these kinds of conversations if your neurodiverse partner is able to bring you into their experience a little bit more. A behavior that feels rude or dismissive to you (such as your partner looking away while you are talking to them) may be better understood as your partner attempting to regulate the level of noise they are experiencing so that they are better able to hear what you are trying to share with them.

Problem-solving some of these communication breakdowns can be challenging. At the same time, learning to meet each other where you are and to explore each other’s style of thinking and communicating together can be immensely powerful, and even healing.

If you or your partners are struggling with frustrating communication experiences or with the impacts of neurodiversity, we can help you practice develop these skills and facilitate genuine connection. Visit our couples counseling page or schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists to talk with us about your unique situation.

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Written by Conrad Frommelt, M.Ed., BCBA
Conrad is a clinical intern specializing in relationships and sexuality with Pivotal Counseling, LLC. He sees clients online and at both the Greeley and Fort Collins, CO offices. To learn more about him or see more of his blog articles, you can visit his bio page.

Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.