What is Empathy?

Empathy [ em-puh-thee ] noun:
the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

If you read that definition and still aren’t quite sure what empathy actually looks like or why it is important, you’re not alone. It can be a tough thing to really understand and yet it is such a powerful and important interpersonal skill that it has been referred to as “the bedrock of intimacy”. 

Empathy is the process of understanding and expressing your understanding of another person’s internal experiences, both their thoughts and their feelings. When we don’t engage in empathy with someone, we may have a good idea of the events that are taking place or their outward behaviors. However, we will have little to no understanding of what is taking place internally for them. 

EMPATHY IS NOT THE SAME AS SYMPATHY

While these two words are commonly used as synonyms, they actually describe different processes. Put simply, sympathy is feeling for someone while empathy is feeling with someone. Sympathy, feeling for someone, is a disconnected acknowledgment of what someone is going through. For example, someone you know — or perhaps a complete stranger — is going through a tough experience. You can identify with their situation, see it as negative, and feel bad for the person. However, you’re not in touch with their actual inner feelings and thoughts. Think of a sympathy card: distant and lacking any significant connection with the person’s thoughts and feelings. 

Empathy, on the other hand, occurs when you can feel the same feelings (or very close feelings) as the person who is struggling. For example, you may have a friend who loses a close family member in a sudden, tragic accident. While you may not have gone through that exact situation, you may have experienced other losses and you may have had other sudden, negative changes in your life circumstances that allow you to get a sense of what your friend is experiencing. 

HOW EMPATHY WORKS

We are able to empathize because of specialized neurons in our brains called Mirror Neurons. Like the name implies, these neurons allow us to “reflect” someone else’s internal experience inside of us. This is the process that makes empathy different from sympathy.

Dr. Brené Brown[1] notes that there are four steps to empathizing.

1. Perspective Taking - this is “cognitive empathy” that allows us to intellectually understand what the person is thinking or experiencing.

2. Non-Judgment - when we take in their perspective, we cannot empathize with their emotions if we are preoccupied with imposing our ideas, values, etc. on their experience.

3. Recognizing Emotion - we have to be able to identify what they are feeling (this is the” emotional empathy”) and to connect it with something internal for us where we have experienced a similar feeling

4. Communicating Our Understanding - we need to effectively express where we are understanding what the other person is feeling

Sometimes we may attempt this and get it wrong. We may think we understand that our friend who lost their family member is feeling lost and convey that only for them to clarify that they instead are feeling lonely but that they have a sense of purpose. When we do that, we go back to step 1, gain a better understanding of their perspective, and continue through the steps again until we are getting it right. Their clarification is helpful information, not a rejection of our attempts at empathy. 

EMPATHY IS BOTH INBORN AND LEARNED

Good news: you were born with the capacity for empathy.

Nuanced good news: everyone has to develop that capacity.

Infants and young children typically begin to learn emotional regulation and expression via their caretakers. If you were fortunate enough to be raised with a secure attachment and by parents or guardians who were very emotionally connective and expressive, you may be a decent way down the path to effective empathizing. 

At the same time, it isn’t that uncommon though for good caretakers to struggle with modeling and teaching empathy. Further, there are plenty of people who were not as fortunate and didn’t have parents or caretakers that supported their empathetic development.

Rest assured that regardless of where you are in your current abilities, you are still more than capable of experiencing and expressing profound empathy. It may just need to develop through a different kind of trial-and-error process. Working with a counselor can help smooth and speed up this development. There are also some self-help steps you can take.

LEARNING AND DEVELOPING EMPATHY

Start by choosing a specific person that you know and trust. Ask them to tell you about a recent experience. As you hear them tell you about their experience, ask yourself some basic questions.

• What situation did they go through?

• What thoughts and conclusions did they have in this situation?

• What emotions came up from these thoughts and conclusions? You might find an emotion chart helpful.

• What were their overall experiences of that situation, their thoughts, and their feelings (terrible, awful, relieving, great, fantastic, etc.)? 

The next step is important: talk with them about your answers to these questions. After all, if you don’t ask, you won’t know if you’re getting it right. Ask them where you are getting it right and where you may be missing or misinterpreting something. Be curious about their explanations and ask questions.

Now do it again. Make sure you practice with different types of situations including positive and negative ones. 

From there, you can branch out in a variety of ways. For example:

• Challenge yourself to meet and connect with new people — especially those from different cultures or with different viewpoints. Listen to their stories and practice empathizing.

• Ask your trusted friends and family members for input about yourself and your interactions. Listen with an open mind and hear and empathize with their experiences with you (heads up, this one can be very challenging). 

• Explore media like art, television, movies, books, etc. that expose emotions and personal relationships. Practice your ability to recognize and identify the specific emotions the characters or subjects may be feeling. 

• Challenge yourself when you might be slipping into biases or groupthink about other people. Try to take the other person’s perspective and empathize with them even if you disagree with their conclusions or actions. 

SEEK OUT AN EMPATHY GUIDE

As you’ve read, empathy may be innate but it still has to be cultivated and developed. This can be an incredibly challenging process. Working with a counselor is an ideal way to work on building up or refining your skills at understanding and empathizing with others. Your therapist can offer the cues, suggestions, input, and exercises you need to broaden begin to build, grow and expand, or refine your personal skills at empathizing. This process can lead to deeper connections, more fulfilling relationships, and greater self-confidence in all types of interpersonal relationships, particularly with your loved ones. 

If you are ready to take the next step in building your capacity for empathy, we can help. 

OUR COUNSELORS HAVE HELPED HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE DEVELOP THEIR EMPATHIC SKILLS. WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR SCHEDULE A FREE CONSULTATION TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT HOW WE CAN HELP. 

[1] To hear Dr. Brown talk through these steps and clarify the difference between empathy and sympathy, check out this youtube video.

---

Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

Truth Beyond Couples Communication

Why "The Truth" Isn't All That Helpful

"That's not what happened!" 

"I never said that!" 

"That's not true! The truth is..." 

Every couple recognizes statements like this. They get thrown out all the time. Whether they're talking about a conversation from decades in the past or something that happened 10 minutes ago, it’s easy for couples to get stuck in correcting one another and arguing about what the actual truth of a situation is. 

This type of argument is pretty common. I'd be hard-pressed to think of a single couple that didn't run into this exact conflict in our sessions repeatedly. All couples run into it at times! 

IT’S NOT (JUST) ABOUT WINNING

What makes it so common? Some therapists will say that it is about winning. They aren't wrong. When someone is in that situation, they want to win the conversation and establish "the real truth." But the idea of winning misses the more crucial factors underneath: that we want to have our experience heard and for it to matter.

Some readers may already be engaging in the same fight right here. "It isn't just my experience; it's what actually happened! It's the truth!" And that makes sense. The problem is that when it comes to multiple people experiencing the same event (like a conversation), there isn't just one reality at play. As many people that were present, there are that many realities of what happened. 

IT’S ABOUT REALITY

Reality is comprised of what we perceive and experience. If we didn't experience it, then it isn't part of our reality. The "truth" of whether it happened or not isn't all that helpful or significant. 

Let's use an example. Imagine that you went to see a movie but found yourself not feeling well. You dozed a bit during the film for just 20-30 seconds at a time and didn't even realize that you did so. When you talk with a friend who has also seen the movie, you will remember the film differently than them. Now, let's say they also dozed off here or there. Both of you will remember dialogue or parts of the story differently than the other. 

It would be easy to get into an argument about what "really happened" in that movie. Both of you would go back and forth about who was right. One of you might even try to pull up on the internet quotes from the movie to prove you were right. But even if the "truth" turned out to be that they were right about that bit of dialogue, does that information change what you experienced? Does it change your reality? Of course not. 

When couples fight like this, they will remember the event or conversation, even one from just minutes ago, differently. They will each have their own reality, and that experience of the events is just as valid as their partner's. So what that person is fighting for is not just to win but to have their reality acknowledged and heard. 

So what keeps one person from accepting that their partner's reality is different? Another mistaken idea that often sounds like the following.

"If I acknowledge your reality, that means that my reality is wrong." 

As common as this thinking is, it couldn't be more wrong. This mistaken belief becomes much clearer when we substitute the word experience for reality.

"If I acknowledge your experience, that means that my experience is wrong." 

We each have our own experiences, our own reality. Both people's reality can be precisely accurate for them. Our realities matter to us because they are what we experienced. 

THE PROBLEM WITH TRUTH

So, where does truth come back into this issue? Truth often gets used as a weapon to try to discredit the other person's reality. If their reality isn't the objective "truth," then it doesn't matter. First, this is patently false. Just because one roller coaster is mechanically faster than the other doesn't mean that the second one doesn't seem faster. Further, when we are talking about our experience, our reality, the truth of which one is faster isn't all that helpful. 

Often, couples try to use their reality as the "truth" to discredit the other person's reality. If they can disprove it, then it can be dismissed, and the "actual truth" (which is just the other person's reality) can now be established. 

Winning ends up being more about whose reality, whose experience gets to matter in the conversation, which person gets to be heard and acknowledged, and whose emotions and feelings get to matter. 

As long as couples stay stuck in arguing about the truth and which reality is real, they both lose. 

REALLY WINNING

Instead, couples can change the conversation. They can show one another that what matters most isn't "truth" but one another. 

In the end, what couples want to know is that their reality (including all of their experiences, emotions, thoughts, etc.) matters just as much as their partner's reality matters. And when couples can do that, they change far more than just conversation. They change their relationship.

WE’VE HELPED COUNTLESS COUPLES LEARN HOW TO NAVIGATE AROUND COMMUNICATION TRAPS LIKE THIS ONE AND OTHERES. WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR REACH OUT AND GET IN TOUCH TO ASK HOW WE CAN HELP. 

Pivotal Cousneling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

The Problem with Shoulds (and a Better Option)

TALKING ABOUT YOU

So often, when couples communicate, they tend to talk about the other person. "You're awesome" or "you always know what I need." When we're telling someone something positive, that may not be a big deal. But when we're trying to address a problem, talking about the other person can turn a conversation sour in a hurry.

 One place this turn really bad is when we're talking to our partner about when we didn't get from them what we wanted. Rather than talk about what we wanted, we tell them about themself. This often comes out as a should statement.

Should statements are one of the most problematic statements that couples slip into during conversations. You've likely heard comments like this before.

"You should have known I was busy."

"You know you shouldn't talk to me like that."

"Do you really think that is how you should have handled that?"

If any of those sound familiar, you're not alone. Most people have heard comments like that in their relationships. 

Should statements are particularly damaging because they invoke a moral judgment. They go beyond just stating that you're unhappy or that the other person let you down. They convey a moral judgment of right or wrong. It isn't merely that I want something different. It is that you and your actions are simply unacceptable to me, beneath me.

THE UP REACTION TO SHOULD STATEMENTS

It's not uncommon when your partner hears a should statement from you to believe that you see them as less than or inferior. In that situation, they will often feel anger or resentment and are likely to respond with defensive statements such as:

"You should know that if you're busy and don't want to be interrupted that you should go to a different room." 

"I talk to you the same way you talk. If you don't like it, change it yourself."

"I handled it just fine. It seems like you're the one who has a problem here." 

The should statement was the first shot and invited a defensive reply. The defensive responses are the second shot. From there, an all-out battle ensues that almost inevitably leads to both you and your partner feeling hurt, unloved, and unhappy. 

THE DOWN REACTION TO SHOULD STATEMENTS

Sometimes should statements evoke a different type of reaction. Your partner either withdraws in apparent acknowledgment of the error or may make an abrupt shift and bend over backward to fix it. 

From the outside, this type of reaction may seem positive since they appear to recognize that they need to change their actions. The problem is that there is a lot of damage done on the inside in the form of shame.

When your partner feels shame, they likely see themselves as having failed or, worse yet, as actually being a failure. They may pull away from you and disconnect emotionally. Alternately, they may suddenly, desperately try to fix what went wrong to alleviate the shame and be good enough again. Either way, the shame at that moment is pushing the two of you apart.

A HEALTHIER APPROACH

Every time we make a should statement about someone else, there's an opportunity for a much more helpful statement about ourselves that we could make instead. That's because underneath every should statement is a need, want, or hope of ours. The should statement is an (ineffective) attempt to convey our desire and wish for that need to be met by that person. 

The first step is to identify that need. Once we can do that, we can then figure out what we would have liked the other person to do that would have met that need. By pairing the need with a specific, actionable request, we set the other person up for success. Let's look at our examples again.

"You should have known I was busy" could be "I need to be able to concentrate and focus in moments like that. In the future, could you please knock and ask if I'm able to take a break before coming into the office and starting a conversation."

"You shouldn't talk to me like that" instead would sound like "I need to hear kindness and respect in what you say even when you're not happy with me. Can you include more of that when we're talking about things like this?"

"Do you really think that is how you should have handled that," could instead be "I need us to be on the same page and decide together how to handle big things like that. Can you please talk with me first next time?" 

Shifting from your partner's action to your need plays a critical role in setting the whole conversation up for success. When we state a need and then ask a question, we're giving our partner a chance to save our day and be your hero. They have the information and know precisely what we are looking for from them. With this, they can meet our need, and we can feel good about them and the relationship. 

This approach is one of the acquired skills that help couples to have healthy communication and happier relationships. It can become second nature with practice and help draw a couple closer as a team where they each have one another's backs when there is a problem.

WE'VE HELPED COUNTLESS PARTNERS DEVELOP THIS AND OTHER CRUCIAL COMMUNICATION SKILLS. WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR REACH OUT AND GET IN TOUCH TO ASK HOW WE CAN HELP. 

How We Treat Couples dealing with Betrayals

COUNSELING THE BETRAYED PARTNER

Regardless of whether you discovered the affair or betrayal or if your partner disclosed it to you, learning of infidelity is devastating. Many people describe feeling as though their world is falling apart and that the floor beneath them is giving out. They feel crushed, heartbroken, lost, and "in a fog." Many also talk about feeling rejected, inadequate, and worthless. When a betrayed partner walks into our offices feeling this way, we meet them with compassion, understanding, and safety. We immediately attend to the effects of the betrayal and work on reducing any further trauma to the betrayed partner or the relationship. Our philosophy for working with betrayed partners is this:

You are not at fault. You are strong enough to heal from this. Whether you forgive your partner or not, whether you trust your partner again or not, and when those things happen is up to you.

Our job is to create a safe space in the office where the betrayed partner never feels blamed or dismissed. We build the relational skills and communication tools that are needed to talk about the wrong they've experienced, the broken trust, and the hurt they are feeling. We _never_ push clients to forgive or trust their partner. That has to happen in _their_ time, not based on the counselor's and certainly not on the betraying partner's timeframe.

Couples COUNSELING For THE BETRAYed

Betraying partners tend to show up in one of two ways.

1. They come in believing that they are a terrible, worthless person. They are embarrassed, mortified, or dumbfounded about their thoughts, choices, and actions. They don't blame the betrayed partner for being angry with them and shocked by the betrayal. After all, they feel the same way about themselves.

2. They come in desperately fighting against the idea that they are a terrible, uncaring, or worthless person. They get angry about the betrayed partner being upset. They blame the betrayed partner for "making" then do this. They minimize what happened and the impact of their choices. They do all this because they cannot believe that they are "that" kind of person.

Our philosophy with the betraying partner of every affair or infidelity relationship we work with is this:

You did a terrible thing. That doesn't mean you are a terrible person.

We understand that the betraying partner didn't make their choice to cheat in a vacuum. Like drinking salt water when stranded at sea, the circumstances and situation made the idea of cheating seem like a solution to or at least an escape from where they were struggling. In the end, though, having an affair or betraying a partner always causes more problems and rarely, if ever, fixes anything. We help the betraying partner to acknowledge and own actions they have taken. We identify how to rebuild trust; to find and express understanding, empathy, and validation of their partner's pain; and to invite forgiveness from their partner _without_ pressuring them.

Couples COUNSELING For THE RELATIONSHIP

Affairs throw relationships into chaos and pain. So many couples come in saying that they want to get back to how things were before this happened. We get that. You want to go back to when things were less painful and less chaotic. That's precisely why our first goal for every betrayed relationship is to address the immediate trauma.

Our second goal is much more significant. Going back to how things were in the past only sets the relationship up to be damaged again. After all, that relationship was at risk for betrayal. Instead, we need to build a better relationship than what it was before. We work to identify the underlying issues that put the relationship at risk for the choice to have an affair. Then, we begin to work through those factors, providing education where unhelpful ideas or expectations were held, skill building where unhealthy dynamics were at play, and fostering healing where past hurts have lingered on. In the end, the couples we work with heal and grow in such a way that their relationship is protected from a betrayal ever happening again.

WE’VE HELPED COUNTLESS PARTNERS THROUGH BETRAYALS. WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR REACH OUT AND GET IN TOUCH TO ASK HOW WE CAN HELP.

3 Ways to Support Your Neurodiverse Partner

Having a partner who is neurodiverse can be challenging at times, sometimes very much so. Here are three tips on how you can better support your partner.

TIP 1: JOIN THE CONVERSATION

The term “neurodiverse” is a relatively new addition to the cultural conversation. It was initially used to suggest that there may be many different, legitimate ways of thinking about and interacting with the world. Starting around 2016, it began to become one of the preferred terms for those with diagnosed or suspected Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and other individuals who similarly experience the world differently from the norm.

Since then, the term has found wide use in culture and media. From TikTok videos describing “hacks” to help neurodiverse people keep track of the things they want to accomplish to books explaining new ways that some neurodiverse people can harness their keen sense of observation to thrive in corporate settings, the odds of coming across this term are high.

So why a new term?

First, psychology has tended to define things primarily by describing the negative impact they have. Even the term mental illness carries with it a sense that something is wrong and ought to be fixed. However, many mental ‘illnesses’ that people are diagnosed with may actually serve an adaptive, beneficial purpose. In fact, many people who carry some kind of mental health diagnosis report that they can identify personal strengths and aspects of their character that they value which are directly related to their diagnosis. Only having the ‘mental illness’ label didn’t fit for these people. So the idea of ‘difference’ instead of ‘deficiency’ seemed like a more accurate and useful description.

Second, many diagnoses that are used in the mental health field, although they may seem pretty cut and dry, often live on a spectrum. For instance, Autism Spectrum Disorder and many Depressive disorders are often explained as having various degrees, different kinds of presentations, and lots of variations. Two people with the same disorder, in fact, may not share many similarities at all. Because of this wide range, a term was needed to encompass all kinds of variation, degrees, spectrums, and presentations to somehow communicate that a person’s experience may not match the experience that is expected or considered ‘normal’.

Some people with a mental health diagnosis or who think or interact with the world in unique ways, resonate with the term and feel comfortable applying it to themselves and their experiences. Others do not. Some folks prefer a different term altogether such as neurodivergent or associate more with the diagnosis itself. One surefire way to support your neurodiverse partner is to start paying attention to the way that they think and feel about their diagnosis or to the way their brain works. It may be helpful to ask them directly about the ways that it shows up for them and maybe even to show you the next time that they notice it impacting them.

TIP 2: LEAD WITH EMPATHETIC CURIOSITY

Talking about the way your partner is different may feel an awful lot like criticism. It is vitally important to remember that differences, both large and small, are usually sources of stress and even conflict for many people. Chances are, your partner has been teased, bullied, shamed, or even punished for the way their brain works and how they interact with the world. This is why your partner may show signs of reluctance or hesitancy about sharing their experiences. Because of that, it can be helpful to let them direct the conversation and respect their ability to protect themselves. We have all had experiences where our felt sense of being different has wounded us; use your experiences to guide how you interact in these moments. Be gentle and listen.

When stepping into this territory the goal is to maintain a sense of empathetic curiosity. You want your general stance, as the partner of someone with some kind of neurodiversity, to be full of your genuine care for them as a full, complete person (the empathetic part). The moral of the story is that your partner is so interesting, so inherently worthy of love and belonging, that you want to enter more into their world (the curiosity part). The journey is one of discovery and deeper understanding so that you each are better able to understand the other’s world.

One of the strengths of a perspective that is grounded in neurodiversity is a conviction that there is not one right way. Instead, having people that see things differently is a strength. It is about showing interest and gratitude for the fact that while you are busy inspecting the color of something your partner is able to assess its texture, weight, or how well it will work in a certain situation. It is also likely that some of these differences are things you absolutely love about your partner. Tell them so.

The understanding should be mutual (because your little world is fascinating too!). Your interest should stem from a place of authentic curiosity and have connection as the goal.

TIP 3: DEVELOP CLEAR COMMUNICATION BY REDUCING NOISE

While reveling in the awesomeness of your partner is a good thing, there may be times where some rules of engagement can help make things flow more easily. Bring a sense of empathetic curiosity to these conversations as well.

During a time of low stress, it may be beneficial to discuss a game plan for how to ensure accurate communication takes place and everyone leaves the interaction feeling heard, cared for, and hopeful for some kind of resolution or improvement.

In the field of communication theory, the concept of noise is often discussed. This term refers to any interfering source of stimulus or input that disrupts the message that is being sent. Anything from actual noise (think lawn mower outside), psychological noise (anxiety, worry, depression, trauma), to semantic noise (using words that the other person doesn’t understand, tones of voice that are distracting or confusing), or executive functioning noise (thinking about what you are going to say next) can impact if and how well we are understood.

Perhaps someone finds direct, verbal communication to be overstimulating (too emotionally noisy) when emotionally charged topics are brought up. If this is the case, maybe shift the conversation to texting (even in the same room) to increase the likelihood that the context of the messages being sent are able to be heard. Maybe certain times of the day or certain places are more conducive to clear thinking or emotional expression. Talking right after lunch may help to reduce the biological noise associated with being hungry. Talking right after your partner comes home from work may mean that parts of your message don’t make it through due to the emotional noise they are carrying with them from the workplace.

Make a point to set yourself and your partner up for success when something important needs to be talked about.

This may also mean that you develop specific ways of talking about how your partner is being impacted by their neurodiversity. For example, you may develop ways of asking for a break in the middle of conversations, not because something is wrong, but because your partner needs to reset their ability to attend to what you are talking about. Maybe certain words or certain body postures make your partner feel unsafe or remind them of past painful experiences and so are best to be avoided whenever possible. You may also find that you could be supported in these kinds of conversations if your neurodiverse partner is able to bring you into their experience a little bit more. A behavior that feels rude or dismissive to you (such as your partner looking away while you are talking to them) may be better understood as your partner attempting to regulate the level of noise they are experiencing so that they are better able to hear what you are trying to share with them.

Problem-solving some of these communication breakdowns can be challenging. At the same time, learning to meet each other where you are and to explore each other’s style of thinking and communicating together can be immensely powerful, and even healing.

If you or your partners are struggling with frustrating communication experiences or with the impacts of neurodiversity, we can help you practice develop these skills and facilitate genuine connection. Visit our couples counseling page or schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists to talk with us about your unique situation.

---

Written by Conrad Frommelt, M.Ed., BCBA
Conrad is a clinical intern specializing in relationships and sexuality with Pivotal Counseling, LLC. He sees clients online and at both the Greeley and Fort Collins, CO offices. To learn more about him or see more of his blog articles, you can visit his bio page.

Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.