Couples Sex Therapy
Has Sex become a struggle?
Do you find your sex life isn’t what you want it to be? Are you two fighting about how often, what kind, or even whether to have sex? Has the relationship gone sexually stale? Do you find that there’s too much of what you don’t want and not enough of what you do want in your sexual experiences?
Sexuality is a core part of being human. And because it is something we all experience, it has the potential to be an enormous source of connection and fulfillment in our relationships. Sometimes though, sexuality isn't that. Sex becomes routine, partners struggle and feel disconnected, insecurities plague us, or we just don’t seem to have the time or drive anymore. All of this can leave each of you feeling inadequate, anxious, sad, disconnected, alone, unwanted, unworthy, and - ultimately - hopeless.
Do you want to feel more fulfilled by and at peace with your sexuality? Do you want sexuality to be a source of strength and fun in your relationship?
Sexuality Is Complicated…But it Doesn’t Have to Be!
With half of most people acknowledging that they are unhappy with their experience of sexuality [1], you’re not alone in your struggles! And 50% is probably a low reported number.
Few areas of life are as complicated as sexuality. It is deeply tied to our experience of ourselves and heavily emotionally charged. We feel so much insecurity and insufficiency in sexuality. And whether we are concerned about wanting too much sex, too little sex, the wrong kind of sex, or a host of other criticisms, everyone from our closest loved ones to society at large stands ready to assess, judge, condemn, and shame us for our sexuality.
And it is no wonder sexuality is such a fraught topic. We get conflicting messages about sex from all sorts of sources. Sexuality education is often limited to birth control or abstinence if it is even present at all in schools. And only 17 states require that the material presented in sexuality education be medically accurate! [2] Outside of schools, most people report learning about sex from peers and partners (which too often is the ignorant being lead by the clueless) or from media, often pornography (which is like trying to learn about driving by watching The Fast and The Furious movies).
This often places us in a position of having to do one of three things.
Admit we don’t know
Doubling down on what we think we know
Suffer along in silence
Admitting we don’t know means feelings of shame, embarrassment, or inadequacy and doesn’t solve the problem of that we don’t know. Doubling down often means we may feel better about ourselves but keeps us from actually addressing our problems, frequently making someone else and what they do or don’t know or how their body works or doesn’t work out to be the problem. And suffering in silence results in isolation, pain, and hopelessness.
Regardless of which path we may pick, we end up blaming, getting angry, feeling hurt and alone, and often alternating between big blow-ups with a sexual partner and then avoiding the issue.
If you recognize anything in this description, our hearts go out to you and we want you to know that it doesn’t have to be like this! Sex therapy offers an opportunity to find help with the sexual issues you’re experiencing. Whether through education, specific interventions, or broader work on underlying factors, sex therapy offers hope that you can have a fulfilling, exciting, and pleasurable sex life.
Sex Therapy Can Help You Reclaim Your Sexuality
You and your partner don’t have to keep struggling with your sexuality. You can find the sexual connection you’re looking for and sex therapy can help you do that. Our goal is to help you to heal, reclaim, discover, connect with, and deepen your own sexuality and the sexuality in your relationship.
What does sex therapy look like?
Sex therapy starts with a safe place to talk openly about what you are experiencing. We start from a compassionate, non-judgmental stance that invites you and your partner to begin talking about the most difficult aspects of sexuality without fear of judgment or need for embarrassment. We also explore what is working in the relationship and where each of you wants the relationship to be.
Through open and honest conversations, clients gain insight into their own desires, beliefs, and expectations around sex. They learn effective communication skills, develop strategies to overcome obstacles, and explore new ways to enhance their sexual connection. This process opens up greater understanding and dialogue about what is happening internally for each person around sexuality as well as externally in the relationship and bedroom.
Our sex therapists will help. you and your partner build a trusting partnership in repairing your relationship. We will break down barriers in having honest discussions about what you each are feeling and wanting. We’ll challenge ideas about what you each think sex should be that you learned from friends, media, or culture. Together, we will work to create new avenues of communication about sexuality that will help you both feel heard, understood, and validated. This openness then clears the path for us to replace those old ideas about sex with a rich, robust sexual relationship that has the freedom to be everything it can be for the two of you.
We tailor our approach to each couple that comes in and their specific goals and needs. Sometimes that leans more toward education such as building broader understandings about how desire and arousal work or learning about sexual anatomy and function. Other couples need more specific suggestions and exercises about inviting passion, building confidence at initiating sex, or creating safety to explore fantasy. Still other couples need to attend to wounds from their sexual relationships such as healing from rejection and insecurity in the relationship or resolving and moving forward from past traumas that are interfering.
Whatever your specific situation, sex therapy can help you to explore and embrace the type of sexual relationship you and your partner are longing for. Sex therapy clients often describe this work as empowering, validating, and transformative.
Being in sex therapy can be a transformative experience that helps individuals and couples improve their sexual well-being and overall relationship satisfaction.
Common questions or concerns about sex therapy
When it comes to such a personal and sensitive topic as sexuality, most people have questions about coming to do sex therapy. Here are some common ones. If we don’t answer yours, reach out to us and ask. We’re happy to answer whatever questions you have to ensure you are as comfortable as possible before coming in.
We’ve tried to talk about sex with past therapists and they seemed more uncomfortable than we were! Are we going to be too much?
Sadly, many clinicians just don’t have the training or confidence to work with seuxality. We’re different. All of our clinicians complete advanced, post-graduate training in sexuality, sexual health, and sex therapy and are either AASECT-certified sex therapists or supervised directly by an AASECT-certified sex therapist. We apply a robust bio-psycho-emotional-relational approach to treatment that is always grounded in core sexual health principles to help you reach your goals and live a sexual life that is authentic to you and in line with your vision of sexual well-being. We can handle what you bring in.
Are you going to push us to do activities we are uncomfortable with or that violate our values?
We work hard to walk a very specific but important line. Any kind of therapy is going to involve discomfort because growing is uncomfortable work! At the same time, we want to respect that most people have strong morals around sex, whether religiously based or not. We want to help you examine and understand how your morals and values impact your sexuality and support you as you determine what that looks like. But we are never here to tell you that your morals and values are wrong or that you should abandon them.
Does sex therapy involve touching? Are you going to ask us to have sex in your office?
The answer to both of those is a firm no. There won’t be any sexual contact between the clinician and you nor are couples allowed to engage in sexual activity in the office. Any sexual contact that is part of sex therapy will only be between the two of you and will be take-home work done in the privacy of your own home.
You Can Have a Healthy, Fulfilling, Passionate Sex Life
You and your partner can have the sexual relationship you are longing for but you don’t have to fact the journey alone. We offer a free 20-minute consultation so you and your partner can discuss with a clinician your specific needs and hopes. During the consult, the clinician can answer any questions you may have about working with them or any of our clinicians. You’re welcome to schedule your consultation through our calendar portal or you can get in touch with us to discuss how to move forward.
References
[1]Schönnesson, L.N., Zeluf, G., Garcia-Huidobro, D. et al. Sexual (Dis)satisfaction and Its Contributors Among People Living with HIV Infection in Sweden. Arch Sex Behav 47, 2007–2026 (2018). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-1106-2
[2] https://www.guttmacher.org/state-policy/explore/sex-and-hiv-education?gad=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwk96lBhDHARIsAEKO4xZ6A3nnzlhiNw6eJ-jsdZAdss_39XLYtg8w78uCcvm00U2Gr2lw4zsaAgrYEALw_wcB
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