4 Questions When You Discover an Affair

An affair can be a devastating injury to a relationship.  Your trust in your partner is shaken, and you may not know what to expect or how to move forward. Here are four questions that can be helpful to ask yourself as you navigate the whirlwind of emotions that may follow this discovery.

DO I HAVE ADEQUATE SUPPORT?

A common response to the discovery of an affair is to shut out the rest of the world until you have figured out a resolution. There could be many reasons why this is some people’s first instinct. Perhaps you are afraid of what people might think of your partner. Maybe you feel embarrassed that this could happen to you. Whatever the reason, your brain is telling you to keep this to yourself. Unfortunately, this isolation can make the problem seem much more gigantic and unsolvable. 

Reaching out to another loved one or a trusted professional can allow you to get the negative thoughts out of your body. Making the choice to seek support does not mean you have to reveal every detail of what happened. Whether you are looking for a shoulder to lean on, an alternate perspective, or a distraction it is okay to rely on the people around you. 

WHAT DO I DO WITH ALL THESE QUESTIONS?

With the discovery of an affair comes an inevitable barrage of questions. Whether you intend to end the relationship or you have decided to work through it, it is important to get the answers you need to begin to heal. You may be wondering how to get the answers if you are having difficulty trusting your partner. It is important to establish an agreement with them that they will answer your questions honestly. Inform your partner that you would like to know the truth, no matter how painful it might be. 

Once this arrangement has been made, you will want to take inventory of the questions you have. It is possible some of these questions were present the moment you discovered your partner was unfaithful. Others may flit in and out of your awareness as you move through the process. Either way, some questions are truly important to have answered while the answers to others may do more harm than good. Experts say it is important to evaluate whether you need to ask a question before posing it to your partner. One tip would be to focus on factual information (ie. am I at risk for an STI?) rather than value judgments (ie. Were they better in bed than me?).  

HOW DO I TALK TO MY PARTNER?

As with any difficult conversation, there can be a desire to ‘wait for the right time”. It is possible you are hoping the conversation will go better if your partner is in a good mood or if they have gotten enough rest. The unfortunate truth is you can only account for so many possibilities before you have to allow things to unfold naturally. Ensure you are in a safe, private place with as little distraction as possible. Since it is possible for the conversation to become heated, it can be helpful to choose a location that does not have emotional significance to either of you. Selecting a neutral location means you will not be creating negative memories in precious spaces. 

Once you have selected a location, you may begin to wonder how you are “supposed” to show up to the conversation. Whether you are feeling sad, scared, confused, outraged or any other difficult emotion,it is important to know your feelings are true and valid. There is no accurate way to feel when a person betrays your trust. While losing control of these emotions may not be the most helpful way to react, there is certainly no need to hide what you are feeling. While losing control of these emotions may not be the most helpful way to react, tShowing up authentically will ensure your partner is not surprised if these feelings come up in the future. 

WHAT DO I DO NEXT? 

There are three possible outcomes after an affair. You can choose to end the relationship, continue the relationship as it stands, or renegotiate boundaries and expectations and begin a new relationship. Regardless of which route you choose, it is important to approach your new normal with healing in mind. 

If you decide to end the relationship, consider reaching out to friends and family to support you through the transition. This can help you remain engaged in your healing process, rather than withdrawing. 

Often, couples rely on unspoken rules to determine what is acceptable behavior in their relationship. The purpose of renegotiating the rules is to ensure you and your partner understand them in the same context. If you are concerned about how this conversation may go, it might be helpful to work with a therapist.

OUR COUNSELORS HAVE HELPED DOZENS UPON DOZENS OF COUPLES NAVIGATE AFFAIRS OR INFIDELITY. WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR SCHEDULE A FREE CONSULTATION TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT HOW WE CAN HELP. 

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How To Forgive

In previous articles, we've laid the groundwork for the process of forgiveness. We disentangled it from rebuilding trust and emotionally healing. We also went through and identified the myths that often interfere in the process of forgiving. If you haven't read through those, we'd strongly encourage you to take the time.

Building on the foundation we now have, it's time to dive into how to forgive. As we go through this, remember that forgiving is resetting the scales. We let go of the debt our partner owes us. It breaks the blinding chain of "an eye for an eye." Forgiveness is putting down the weapon you would use against your partner and "burying the hatchet."

HOW TO FORGIVE

With the significant hurdles out of the way, let's look at how to forgive. It is not enough to reply to an apology with "it's fine." Most of the time, that line is, in reality, one of those false forms of forgiveness talked about in our previous article. 

Like so much in relationship dynamics, forgiveness involves both an internal process and an expression of that internal process. In this case, the internal process is letting go of the imbalance. The expression is letting the other person know that this has happened. 

Find some private, uninterrupted time alone, and work through these steps.

1. Take Inventory of Their Actions

   You can't forgive an offense if you don't know what the offense was. Further, attempting to forgive something you don't understand often results in your going through this process all over again later when you have a better understanding of what happened. Write this out on a piece of paper if you need to. That can often be helpful.

2. Reflect On and Feel the Consequences

   Their debt goes beyond just their actions. It includes all of the impacts of their actions. As painful as it may be, you'll need to take inventory of the full effect of their actions personally (physical, mental, and emotions), relationally (openness, commitment levels, trust, future, etc.), socially (family, friend, coworker, etc. relationships), and any other areas of potential impact (such as financially, occupationally, etc.) Add this to what you wrote in step 1. Use as much paper as you need.

3. Decide that you want to and are ready to forgive.

   Remind yourself of what forgiveness is and isn't, as we discussed above. You are letting go of a debt, nothing more, and also nothing less than just that. By itself, it is substantial so let this be its own process.

4. Reflect on Imperfection

   At the base of forgiveness is an acknowledgment that everyone makes mistakes, both big and small. These mistakes hurt others, sometimes to their absolute core. They are permanent in that one can never take them back and can never truly repay the debts that those actions create. And you are one of those people that has hurt others. Your mistakes may not be the same ones you are attempting to forgive, but you have made your own mistakes and, at perhaps one or two moments, pretty big mistakes. Turn "I've never done that" into "I've also done some things that have deeply hurt other people." And reflect on the idea that you will almost inevitably end up doing that again at some point.

5. Carry Forgiveness Forward

   Reflect on the forgiveness of the wrong that you have either received from others or hope to receive. Imagine yourself facing the person or people who would forgive you. Hold on to the sense of relief, compassion, and gratitude that come with that. Now, in your mind, turn from them to face the person who wronged you. Recognize that you are doing for this person what you have had done or hope to have done for you.

6. State Your Forgiveness

   Yes, out loud. Even if you are alone, this is an incredibly powerful step. Stand in front of a mirror. Look yourself in the eyes. Make a statement declaring who you're forgiving, what they did, and that you forgive them. It might sound something like this.

   "Two weeks ago, my partner completely embarrassed me in front of our friends. What they did was not ok. It will take time not to hurt anymore and to trust them in situations like that again. Right now, I am choosing to set aside what they did and how this hurt me (steps 1 and 2). I am setting it down and leaving it behind. I am not going to use this against them. [Partner's Name], I forgive you for what you did and how you hurt me. You're not in my debt anymore."

   As you say this, make use of the metaphors that might help you. Some metaphors are actions. Perhaps you burn the papers you wrote out in steps 1 and 2. You might take some deep breaths and imagine the anger, resentment, and vengeful feelings you have had being blown out and away as you exhale. Or, you might instead visualize yourself holding the experience and the impact of their actions in your hands and then either allowing the wind to carry them away or dumping them in a hole in the ground, burying them, and then walking away.

7. Share Your Forgiveness (this will require another person)

   As long as you think your partner will understand the work that still needs to happen to repair the relationship, and attend to you despite forgiveness taking place, share your forgiveness with them. Talk then through what you had to do to forgive and tell them, "I forgive you for...[their actions and impact]."

   If you are concerned that your partner won't understand that distinction and are worried about sharing it with them, find another person you trust, talk with them about your process, and share with them that you have forgiven your partner.

8. Keep Forgiving (this takes place over time)

   You're going to have unforgiving thoughts come up. That doesn't mean you've failed. Forgiveness is a process, not an event. You have to keep at it.

   Remind yourself that you already forgave that debt. Reflect on the process you went through. Repeat step 6. Actively choose to walk away from where you put down that offense.

Forgiveness can be challenging, but it is attainable. If the above steps don't help you find what you're looking for, we can help. We've been helping individuals and couples find forgiveness in their relationships for over a decade, and we can help you too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or schedule a free consultation to find out how we can help you.

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Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

Forgiveness Myths and "False Forgiveness"

When one person damages their relationship with their partner, forgiveness is crucial in repairing the connection. Forgiveness is not a complicated or involved concept. It is a rebalancing of the relationship's scales of justice. It puts partners back on equal footing with neither "owing" the other nor being in a one-down position.

It isn’t uncommon though for forgiveness to be made into something much more complicated, messy, or even impossible to do than it actually is. Sometimes these ideas are things we believe that get in our way of forgiving. At other times, they are things that other people tell us that forgiveness is or contains. And then, some things fool us into thinking we've forgiven when we haven't. 

MYTHS AND FALSE FORGIVENESS

Forgiving means trusting your partner again and not hurting anymore.

Those are three completely different things. Forgiveness doesn't require either of the other two. For more on the differences, check out our previous article on the topic.

1. Forgiving means approving.

   Excusing your partner's actions as being acceptable isn't forgiving. You never have to condone what your partner did to forgive them. And you or your partner attempting to pair forgiveness with approving of their actions is a sure way to make sure forgiveness doesn't happen.

2. Forgiving means forgetting.

   Pretending as though the action never happened is also not forgiving someone. It's an unrealistic idea and also not a healthy one. Regardless of whether the pressured to forget comes from yourself or your partner, "forgive and forget" isn't how forgiveness works at all (and works against being able to forgive).

3. Forgiving means owing.

   These are opposites. When you tell your partner, "I forgive you, but you owe me" or otherwise remind them that they are now in your debt (such as to get your way), you do not forgive them at all. You're just trying to be nice about not forgiving them.

4. Forgiving means (surface) kindness.

   If you have forgiven, you let go of the feelings associated with them having wronged you. Being kind to them while still harboring resentment is not forgiveness. It's insincere and dishonest.

5. Forgiveness means good things for only the other person.

   Another hurdle in the path towards forgiveness can be why you would want to forgive your partner. After all, forgiveness is seen as generally benefiting the offending person. If your partner does something hurtful and you forgive them, the other person is relieved of the burden of the uneven relationship. They can now re-engage in the relationship in full confidence and (ideally) without reservations. Your partner likely feels lighter, freer, happier, comforted, and reassured.

   But what about you? There is evidence that when you forgive your partner, you experience decreased depression, reduced anxiety, release unhealthy anger, and even diminish trauma symptoms. It also removes barriers to connection and relational intimacy with your partner. There is a reason that people talk about feeling lighter, freer, and better in general when they forgive others.

6. You must forgive.

   Do you have to forgive someone? No, of course not. You are in charge of your emotions and your thoughts. But the benefits appear to outweigh any positives of withholding forgiveness, particularly when we have separated trust and emotional healing from the equation.

If you found yourself recognizing something in these myths and fake versions of forgiveness, you're far from alone. There's a reason so many people struggle with forgiveness. These myths and ideas are found and reinforced in our society to the point that it's hard to spot them. 

HELPING INDIVIDUALS AND COUPLES RECOGNIZE THE BAD IDEAS AND PROBLEMATIC MYTHS THAT GET IN THE WAY OF THEM HAVING THE RELATIONSHIP THEY WANT IS A CORE COMPONENT OF WHAT WE DO. WE'VE BEEN HELPING PEOPLE LET GO OF BAD IDEAS AND LIVE BETTER LIVES TOGETHER FOR YEARS, AND WE CAN HELP YOU TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR SCHEDULE A FREE CONSULTATION TO ASK HOW WE CAN HELP. 

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Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

Why Forgiving Feels So Overwhelming

Why are you still upset about that? I thought you forgave me.

Are you snooping on my phone? You said you forgave me for that.

Why are you so resistant to spending time with my family? Didn't you forgive me for what I said?

Do any of these sentences sound familiar? When one partner hurts the other, the expectations around forgiveness can be enormous. And yet, none of the above issues have anything to do with forgiveness. They have to do with other factors. 

It's as though your partner is angry about having to buy new tires when they just changed the oil. Both of them are a result of having driven many miles, but changing the oil doesn't mean that the tires are in good condition.

BREAKING DOWN "FORGIVENESS"

When people talk about wanting you to forgive them, they're frequently talking about three very different things (often without even knowing it): rebuilding trust, healing from emotional pain, and (actual) forgiveness. These three processes in repairing a wounded relationship end up getting (incorrectly) lumped together under the idea of "forgiving," which causes a lot of confusion and difficulty for many couples. Let's break down each of those three processes that need addressing and the underlying problem for each.

• Rebuilding Trust: Trust is our ability to anticipate and rely on how another person will engage, respond, or act in a given situation. We learn to trust that person by observing consistent behavior over time. Whenever someone breaches what we have learned to anticipate, trust is damaged (the underlying problem). Once damaged, trust doesn't just jump back. It typically requires a rebuilding period where we can once again see how they act and feel confident that we can rely on them.

• Healing From Emotional Pain: When a relationship is damaged, we experience emotional pain (the underlying problem). Sometimes it is a relatively little pain. At other times it is enormous. Our culture often works hard to dismiss emotional pain as a "myth" or an irrelevant distraction. In truth, emotional pain (included in the broader framework of psychological distress) is incredibly important and directly impacts your personal wellbeing, job performance, and even physical health. Healing from that emotional pain means resolving those feelings so that the same reminders and thoughts don't create distress any longer.

• (Actual) Forgiveness: Forgiveness is a specific process. When someone wrongs us, it creates an imbalance in the relationship (the underlying problem). The scales (think of the scales of justice) aren't even anymore. That imbalance is often wielded as a weapon to hurt the other person or as a "debt" the other person owns to guilt or coerce them. Forgiveness is the process of letting go of the incident so that the scales come back to balance. It means no longer using it as a weapon or holding it as a debt owed by the other person.

APPLYING THE THREE SEPARATE ISSUES

Let's illustrate these three different components with a story.

Imagine you are riding in your friend's car. Your friend keeps looking at their phone, trying to find something to show you. You ask your friend to put their phone down and focus on driving. They insist that they aren't going to crash and go back to scrolling. They then run a red light, and your side of the car gets hit by another vehicle, breaking your leg.

Can you pick out where each of the three underlying problems has come up?

• Trust: Getting in the car as someone's passenger is a fundamentally trusting action. You trust them with your life and safety when you hand over control of the situation to them as the driver. The driver's actions broke your trust to keep you safe and resulted in the accident.

• Pain: A broken leg is incredibly painful. It isn't only short term painful like bumping your head getting into the car. There will be months of pain from both the break and the physical therapy that will likely be required after the bone heals.

• Injustice: You were wronged. The driver's careless actions caused you harm. The relationship scales aren't even anymore. In many ways, they are in your debt; they owe you.

Each issue that has been introduced by the car crash incident is unique. That means that how to address each of those must be unique also.

THREE DIFFERENT ISSUES, THREE DIFFERENT APPROACHES

The breach of trust will likely leave you reluctant to ride in that friend's car for a long while. You may be hesitant to trust their judgment on certain things. Rebuilding trust requires that you feel confident that your friend understands why what they did was wrong and the impact their behavior. Then it will require consistent actions from them that reassure you that they have learned from this and that you can once again feel confident in how they will act.

• The pain is going to require time and work to resolve. In this case, it will take time for the bone to heal and the work of physical therapy. Even then, there may be twinges or some ache when the weather is bad. Sometimes pain lingers for a little while or even a long while. The best thing that can happen here is for your friend to show compassion and understanding when you are dealing with that pain. 

• As for the injustice, you might make comments to your friend when you next go out like, "Do you honestly expect me to let you drive," "My workout routine has completely come to a halt because someone broke my leg," or "It has been such a pain to try to bathe with this cast on my leg. You know it's your fault that it takes me 30 minutes just to take a shower, right?" These comments intend to remind the other person of the debt you are owed, of the imbalance they created in the relationship. When we forgive, we make an active choice to balance the scales. They no longer owe us, and consequently, we cannot use it as a weapon against them any longer. We return the relationship to equal footing. 

These three things are independent. You can forgive your friend and still not trust their driving. You can trust their driving and have forgiven them but still be experiencing pain. You can have fully healed and yet not trust them nor have forgiven them. They are all independent. Forgiveness is powerful, but it isn't the magic bullet for all of these things. It is an essential process for a specific purpose: bringing balance back to a relationship.

This breakdown is often surprising to our clients. For some, they are surprised at how much pressure they may be putting on others. For some, it is a lightbulb moment for why they are struggling so much. Others break down in tears when they realize that still feeling pain about something from years ago doesn't mean that they have failed to forgive.

Regardless of being surprised or not, many of these clients find that when they stop expecting forgiveness to carry the load of rebuilding trust and healing from emotional pain, forgiveness feels much less overwhelming and seems much more attainable. 

For others, it still feels overwhelming to try to forgive. If this is your situation, you aren't alone. Many couples struggle with forgiveness. We frequently help couples navigate the process of dealing with forgiveness, rebuilding trust, and healing from emotional pain. If you need help, we’re here. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or reach out and schedule a free consultation to ask how we can help. 

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Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.

"Sorry" Isn't Enough - What Couples Get Wrong About Apologies

Apologizing- Sorry

Life will provide you with lots of opportunities to get things wrong. Being in a relationship with all of its unique emotions and expectations certainly ups the ante exponentially. It’s inevitable that you will make mistakes or behave in a way that another person finds inappropriate. 

Making a mistake doesn’t make you a bad person. However, if you want a healthy, enduring relationship, it does mean that you’ll need to learn and implement good solid ways of repairing your relationship. How to apologize is a core part of making things better in any type of relationship. And simply saying “sorry” doesn’t cut it.

WHAT IS AN APOLOGY

Done sincerely, an apology is an expression of regret and a request for forgiveness in response to a specific wrong that you committed. The goal of the apology is to repair the harm that was done to the relationship and restore your partner’s confidence and trust in you. 

HOW TO APOLOGIZE

A good apology contains a few key components. When any of these are missing or violated, the apology will almost inevitably end up falling flat or even doing more damage.

• The Preface - Ask Permission

  An often neglected step in this process involves consent. Your partner may not be ready to hear an apology. Don’t take it for granted that they want to hear an apology at any given moment. They may still need time to be ready to receive your apology. Let them know you wish to apologize and then follow their lead. 

• Step 1 - Take Responsibility

  Apologies are for when we do something wrong. So for a good apology to happen, you need to be able to own what you specifically did. You also need to be able to own that, upon reflection, you can see where what you did was wrong even if it made sense to do at the time. This can be uncomfortable but it is crucial. 

  The step of taking responsibility is what helps your partner to be reassured that you see where we messed up rather than simply seeing that they don’t like something that you did at that moment. 

• Step 2 - Acknowledge the Damage

  Your partner needs to know that you also see how what you did wrong impacted them. You need to acknowledge where they felt embarrassed, unimportant, rejected, insufficient, or whatever other negative emotion they may have felt in response to your action. 

• Step 3 - Express Regret

  This is more than just saying “I regret doing that.” Let them know what feelings come up for you when you look at what you did and how you hurt them. You might feel awful, terrible, sick, or horrible about what you did. You might feel guilt or embarrassment over your actions. Be sure to tell them that you are sorry for what you did and how you left them feeling.

• Step 4 - Reassure Your Partner

  This step often gets missed. The most helpful apologies include what you are going to do differently the next time a similar situation comes up. An apology is pretty meaningless if it seems to your partner that you will likely just end up doing the harmful behavior again. To be clear about what factors lead to your bad decision (don’t make excuses, just acknowledge them) and explain how you will handle those factors differently the next time they come up.

• Step 5 - Ask for Forgiveness

  This step requires some pretty big vulnerability. At the same time, it is what pulls all of this together and truly helps to mend the relationship. Starting with a simple, “will you forgive me” often works. Sometimes, your partner may not be ready to forgive. Don’t take it personally. Let them know that you understand they aren’t ready, tell them that you hope that they will be able to, and ask them if there is anything else they need from you so that they would feel better about forgiving you.

HOW NOT TO APOLOGIZE

Now that we have a good picture of how a good apology goes, let’s take a look at some of the common attempts to apologize that simply aren’t an apology

• The Vague Apology

  This sounds the same just about every time: “I’m sorry” and pretty much nothing else. It may be completely sincere but it leaves your partner uncertain of whether you even have any idea of what you did, how it hurt them, and what needs to be different. 

• The “Celebrity” Apology

  You know how this goes. “I’m sorry if my action offended anyone.” This is not an apology. You aren’t saying you regret your action. You’re simply saying that you don’t like the consequence of what you did. 

• The Blaming Apology

  “I’m sorry that you feel that way” is also not an apology. The problem being identified is the other person’s feelings. It’s a negative assessment of the other person’s boundaries and emotions. There’s no ownership of the speaker’s actions and no acknowledgment of the action’s impact, it isn’t an apology. 

• The Appeasing Apology

  “All right, all right, I’m sorry. Are you happy now?” This isn’t about apologizing, this is about dismissing the actual issue and attempting to just move on. If you don’t think you need to apologize, state that opinion and begin a separate discussion.

• The Self-Serving Apology

  These apologies are given with the intention (whether the person apologizing realizes it or not) of turning the table and making the apologizer the focus. “I’m sorry you married such a jerk” or “I’m sorry I’m such a horrible person” aren’t apologies at all. They are fishing expeditions with the goal of getting the person who was hurt to let go of what they were hurt with and reassure or comfort the “apologizer” at that moment. 

PULLING IT ALL TOGETHER

Let’s say that you and your partner were out with some friends and you said something embarrassing about your partner in front of them. Your apology might sound something like this.

(Preface) Hey, I really feel bad about what happened and I want to apologize for it. Are you willing to hear me out?

(Step 1) When I told that story about you, I was wrong. I shouldn’t have shared that. I broke your trust by sharing something that you wouldn’t want someone else to know and I told that to people that we see frequently. 

(Step 2) Hearing me tell that story left you feeling embarrassed in front of our friends. You were mortified and it ruined the evening for you. On top of that, you felt unsafe and betrayed by me in what I had done. I broke our trust and that really hurt you.

(Step 3) I feel absolutely terrible about what I did. I put making our friends laugh above our relationship and I can’t believe I did that. I feel horrible about my choice and about how I hurt you. I am so sincerely sorry for telling that story and embarrassing you.

(Step 4) I need to be putting you and our relationship first in every situation, especially when people we know and spend time with are around. They need to see that I have your back and am on your team above anything else. I need to ask myself how you will feel whenever I go to tell a story or talk about you. That’s how I’m going to do my best to make sure nothing like this ever happens again.

(Step 5) I know you’re really hurt right now so I appreciate you hearing me out. I realize it may take some time, but will you forgive me?

WHEN THE APOLOGIES FEEL IMPOSSIBLE

Finally, as mentioned above, a relationship can bring with it many emotions and plenty of baggage. In times of hurt, it can be difficult to communicate in a productive manner. This is when you could use meaningful support. A counselor can end up being the unbiased mediator, the skills coach, or the partner to partner translator that you both need to re-connect in a healthy way.

Helping couples with apologies and other communication dynamics is something that our counselors do on a daily basis. We can help you, too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or scheduled a free consultation to learn more about how we can help. 

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Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.